I’ve been on a LinkedIn crawl lately, and I am getting the overwhelming feeling that everyone has always known. Who they are, what they wanted to do and where they are heading. Few days ago, there was this International day of women and girls in Science celebration all over my feed and I came across many posts subtly pushing this idea that many knew from childhood that they had a passion for science, or wished to become a doctor, engineer or a scientist. Like a lifelong calling, clearly mapped.
Meanwhile, let alone the lifelong calling or childhood dream, I even struggle with very basic icebreakers. Ask me to choose between Netflix or Amazon Prime, or if you were a bird which bird would you be, or to describe five problems I face and my attempts to solve them. I can analyze complexity for hours, vanish into rabbit holes, but ask me what I exactly want to do in my career or life , or where do I see myself in next five years, RIP me. It’s not just career trajectories. I struggle with light weight questions, for example, Why do you love your native place? or if you could do your PhD again, what would you do differently ? I don’t have an immediate answer ready. Not that I don’t know how to respond to it, but I don’t have it on-demand. They were lived, not labeled, until I am asked.
When I say I’m not sure yet, there’s often a moment of silence on the other side. No definite answer or uncertainty reads as lack of clarity or direction, an act of laziness, perhaps. And in a world that favors polished narratives and trajectories, not having a label can feel heavier than not having a dream at all. I often wonder why is that clarity is often regarded as some sort of moral virtue while being ambiguous is suddenly a personal flaw. But yeah, we all want clarity. Honestly, I am not used to growing up with a fixed dream, neither did many of my peers. I think usually grew or evolved into my work. When I applied for a Marie Curie fellowship, I intensely worked for it, but it was never a dream, but a choice. Once I got it, I committed to it. I grew within the ecosystem, dedicated my time, and carry the responsibility of sustaining that choice. So uncertainty hasn’t stopped me from working intensely toward what I choose.
Perhaps not knowing is not the real emotional weight. Maybe it’s the peer pressure to perform certainty before it’s fully matured. Not having a definite answer could just also mean that the direction is still evolving instead of not having any direction at all. I guess it’s more or less intellectual honesty than confusion. Maybe accepting that and not rushing could be an ambition on its own.
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